Do you know how many times I've opened up a clean. fresh, pretty, white "new post"... and then stared at it for awhile before closing it and heading over to facebook or twitter instead?
I'm in that "the baby is almost here and I feel really quiet" zone. But at the same time I feel like my brain is just swimming in a million things I want to say but can't figure out how to string together.
So, I figure I'll just write. And I'll probably sound insane and nothing will make any sense and (Don't you click on that X!) everyone will probably give up on reading it before I'm done. But whatever.
I'm 37 weeks and 4 days, I'm 3 centimeters dilated and 50% thinned out. I go to the doctor again tomorrow and I hope that information won't be accurate for much longer. I'm ready to have this baby. I'm not feeling impatient, or stressed or achey. Just ready.
But that doesn't mean I'm feeling calm about it either. Truth is, after 3 relatively easy and beautiful and more-wonderful-than-I-could-have-ever-wished-for labors and deliveries, Sunshine's was way traumatic and has me kind of panicky this time around.
I was induced with her. The pain was so intense and unending and sell-your-soul-to-the-devil-to-make-it-stop bad.
My doctor knows better this time around and there is no way in heck Pitocin will be anywhere near my body this time around. My doctor promised that they would give me the full 42 weeks this time around. And guess what? If I go over 42 weeks, I'm just going to not go to my doctor. I swear, I will have this baby on a pile of towels at home before I let them induce me. You can bet on that. Promise.
But I know I can do it. I know I want to do it, naturally, that is. I know it will go great. I know these things. But that last time was just, well, a doozy as they say.
Sunshine just turned 2 and I really see her growing into a silly, sweet, strong young girl. I feel like it's OK to have another baby because she is just growing up so well. Does that make sense? You know, the guilt a mom feels when she rips the title of "Baby of the Family" from her youngest to hand it off to a newborn? I kinda just don't feel it this time around.
So, there are some words for you. Thanks for sticking around while I babbled. Hope I made at least a little bit of sense.